When nothing's enough...

What do you do when nothing's enough, when the road gets rough and love gets tough. What do you do when people leave, decide to dream what are not your dreams. And move on in life to bigger and better things. What do you do when life decieves you, making you think that things you wish for hard enough do really come true. But in time you see that having hope and faith is just another way to escape what is your reality.

What do you do when a relationship fails, and there's nothing you can do to make it prevail. With the fights, the tears and the betrayals, sometimes its just better to let go of eachother. But then, what about the love, that's strong and gone on for so long... it's got to have some meaning, a deep intense feeling that can outlive any kind of beating. Sometimes love is lost, but it can be found again, and can be forever yours even when it seems like never again.

What do you do when your closest friend shuts you out, when they tell you that you no longer count. Do you shout or cry, fight or drive by and try to make kind. If only it were that simple, to work things out, and make amends to what went down sour. If you could bring back the moments and relive the memories of the times gone by, that would be a dream, one that I never seem to see or believe.

What do you do when everything's too much, when unlimited love suffocates your lungs. What do you do when too many people follow your lead, and all you want is for them to leave. So you can reach greater things, without sharing a piece of the pie with the million and one leeches of your life. People will try with their sneaky little lies, but its up to you how you want to survive. 

Can you survive when there's too much of it all or will you fall when you lose it all? And then once again wish for it all to come back, trying your hardest, for it only to give you one fat slap back. When nothing's enough and everything's too much, embrace life, love and happiness for times to turn up.

My Lost World

Find me, touch me... I feel all alone. It's not a moment, or a passing phase, it feels forever long and cold. My smile has lost its charm, my heart its love... my feet their dance and my song its verse. My speech has lost its voice, my dreams their noise. My feelings have lost their hopes; my faith's no longer keeping me afloat.

I am living in a lost world where no one comes or goes. Even when I am surrounded by people, I feel like I've lost everyone that I ever considered close. I've lost my mind, I've lost my time, I've lost my need to be forever kind. My eyes no longer see, my heartbeats make no sound, my fingers no longer touch and I feel like my feet don't reach the ground.

My emotions have lost their feeling, my memory its meaning... my wine its flavour and my creativity its fervour. My writing has lost its words, my money its worth.... my imagination has run dry and my eyes do not cry. My stories have lost their endings, my truth its defending, my wings their flight and my tries their might.

It's a lost world; it's my lost world... where all that's lost and gone is seeking its return, but slowly.

Thoughts that think, words that don't speak

Today my thoughts went on an overdrive. They were deep and loud, blocking out any other sound. The echos in my head almost pushed me over the edge. They poured in by the bubble, but would not say a word to any other. They were stuck, playing on repeat... like the songs on my i pod (today was Run by Snow Patrol, but its soft electro mix).

Today my thoughts had a mind of their own. I had no control over what they explored, and no one to hold, instead sat alone. And even if someone was there, the thoughts in my head had nothing to tell, no words to speak, and could only be heard by me. What I feel lost its sense of belief, the things I saw no longer had the hope of resolve.

Today my thoughts went on and on, they did not stop... not even take a short pause. I do not know what they were trying to exactly say, but they did a good job of dampening my day, more than the rain. There was nothing I could do, nothing I could change, I knew that and it made me want to run away. Far from the land of worries that plague my life and my ways... miles away from all the love lost and the unfortunate hate gained.

Today my thoughts made me mad, mad at myself and mad at my dad. He keeps reassuring me that everything will be okay, but when and how, and I guess at the end of the day, that's his job. But would I ever find a way. Find a solution to the pollution that my brain retains. The way my thoughts are thinking, I feel I have no escape, at least not for today.

Today my thoughts thought about quite a lot. But I have no words to speak, just a few to write, and that is what you see before your eyes in this blog that I try to keep alive.

An emotional training

 

How do you train your emotions, impulses, feelings and tears so that it will please others? Teach me, because I fail to learn each time an emotion gets beneath me.

Can you tame your anger and contain the outbursts when you’re in front of the ones who say they care? Should you even have to, because bottling up feelings is as harmful as exposing them, don’t you think it's just better to share?

Tell me if it’s possible to control the missing and let go of him when all you want is to be accepted, or even just be forgiven? Or when must one know when to stop speaking, revealing and singing their life’s story like it’s an open book for everyone to read and go on repeating? Is dreaming a crime and believing denied, what about wishing every night that tomorrow will be bright?  

When do you stop being the doormat everyone walks all over, or how do you let go of the guilt that should have never been built? Can you control the manipulation, frustration and abolition of relationships that create your existence? And do people ever change, or is it just deranging to even think that they can. 

How do you stop the stress, or pause the pressure, keep smiling through every get together? How do you hide your love or pretend to care, fake the attraction or counteract the sexual connection? How do you eliminate the memories or be nice to your enemies? Can you conceal your fears or reveal your betrayals? Is it so easy to move on and beyond or can you turn back time to bring back your happier side?    

Is there an on and off button for anxiety or an emotion that will brace us for reality? What about a shield against failure or the perfect formula to make you an achiever? Is paranoia a disease that you can’t be relieved of, is obsession something that’s always in progression and does compassion ever come to be in fashion? Do egos dissolve and evolve you into being the bigger person, or are you left at the receiving end for life’s duration?

Does anyone tell you to stop laughing, then why tell me to stop crying? Have you ever had to shut your trap because you talk crap, then why do I need a license to write, fight or ignite my mind? Is logic your magic and judgement your movement, then why can't my words be my lifelong endorsement?  

Teach me, tell me, preach to me or fail me...because this emotional training is far too straining.

when the tears stop falling down

sniff. tear. wipe.
This is your life. People come and they go, but what about you? They move on with their lives and don't look back until they hear of your demise. Really? Is that why we spend our whole life building these so called relationships. They are nothing but freaking castles in the sky, coz no one can love you and it is all just one big fat lie.

Look beyond betrayal. See beyond the truth. Discover the hidden secrets and say you love her only when you really do. And that means through every betrayal and every truth, screw the secrets, because at the end of the day he was suppose to love you....through sickness and health, I guess it's just a pretense. Riches and poor define more than you can conjure. Whether you're happy or sad, he doesn't always hold your hand and half the time it's just a sham. But love comes again, and so do the smiles, laughter and fun. Time heals it all, even when it seems like it will not.

My life is just words on a blank white page, im alone for now, no matter what anyone says. 

Who Speaks in Guarantees?

This life has no warranty. Sorry. There is no certainty. Apologies. No guarantee for anything, even if you try to drive your own destiny. Control as much as you can, but don’t expect life to go as you planned.

How long will you live…it’s a clock that’s always ticking. Will the love last forever, or will it end in December? Are you going to get that deserved promotion, or is the company going to sink into depression? Is he going to come out tonight, or are you going to be left high and dry? Is she going to be on time, or are you sitting alone in the heat of the night? Will the friendship last, or will it become a memory of the past? So many questions... but not a single guarantee to any of these.  

This life is a funny dilemma. When I say funny, I don’t mean laugh out loud funny. I mean it’s funny how things can take such drastic turns, some of the smallest or the ones with the biggest outcomes. Even when you have everything planned down to the T. From when you will marry to how you’ll celebrate your big thirty. Things change, people change, circumstances change, and that’s this game of life that we are all players in.

But really, is there any guarantee for anything? What if you fall out of love even after years of being the perfect couple...what if you buy a gun to end an endless painful rut, what if the world comes to an end or what if one day there is nothing left in your head...what if you win, succeed and lose it all or what if you fail, derail and still find a way to make your life the greatest of them all. The what if’s are as bad as the guarantees, but then, there are endless possibilities to how your life will sail...and sometimes you can control the winds (to an extent), but other times you may be left lost at sea, gasping for one last breath. That doesn’t mean you can’t find your way...you can have hope, live on dreams and be positive all the same...just don’t speak in guarantees. This life has none, and sometimes that’s the beauty of it.

A guarantee can only guarantee one thing...and that’s disappointment. So don’t make promises that you can’t stick by, don’t create expectations that will crush your life, don’t walk on the clouds and let the ground under you fall. It’s a life that’s always in a state of flux, so don’t get stuck.  

Nothing is certain, but life goes on. It hurts and you cry. But people move on. You try and you try, but everybody leaves, and you can’t hold on. So don’t speak in guarantees and instead live in reality...even if you can't.

Me,myself & wine...

In the company of this white intoxication, sometimes the deepest emotions become your bestest companions. You feel happy and sad, in the same stance…it’s a bittersweet feeling, one that keeps you thinking (and drinking)…why is no one sitting there by your side, or why in the world do you feel like you’re going to cry.

But the feeling passes and you keep ordering the glasses. You listen to your favourite tunes, to further induce the mood; you look around and observe the town of clowns. As you sip the fruity taste of peach, you slip into a space that’s got no escape.

People look at you, and think is she alone or is she waiting for someone. You look back and think…does everyone have to go out in a clique? Can’t you sit alone, for hours and hours on…do you always need a partner to eat your dinner  with or to hold your arm.

The guitar in the background begins to play; you take off your headphones and listen his way. He chooses to sing Fix You by Coldplay and you think to yourself what a wonderful tone he has in his voice. As the song ends, people don’t clap their hands; he looks in dismay, but keeps on playing. This time he picks Iris, and the song takes you over just like a virus.

Finally people take to applaud, Thank God, because it really is very rude not to appreciate someone who’s singing for you. The night goes on, and the wine feels strong, the music is pleasing and the mood is easing. But then a song plays that stirs up many memories… thoughts flood the scene, and you feel a tear roll down your cheek.

Your mind is bustling with so many creative energies, you want to jump, dance, fly and run all at the same time. But instead, you sit there and cry. But it’s okay to cry and it’s okay to have no one there by your side, because…in the company of this white intoxication, sometimes the deepest emotions become your bestest companions.

Pacify me

I dare you. Tell me to shut up, I pray you would. You always have, why stop now.

Emancipate me from this world of fakeness we live by. When someone says ‘you can tell me anything’, know that it’s a lie (most of the times). They want you to feel better, and not bottle up all those sad feelings inside. I’m trying not to be bitter, and see the happier side of life, but when someone says I’m always going to be there, know that it’s a lie (most of the times).

Pacify me and I’ll show you what it means to be as fake as one can be. My words are truly my only guise in my life and my emotions are the driver of the words I write. If you pacify my thoughts, then you’ve pacified my life. It’s like when a baby cries...you stick that thing (the pacifier) into their mouth to shut them out...but it’s not soothing to the child (unless of course if they’re teething), it’s an obstruction of their freedom to express...even if that means just to cry for no reason.

I’m not a pessimist, or an optimist (though I try to be), I believe what I believe at that given point in time and sometimes it’ll be a series of hopes and dreams and at others just bleak endings. But at the end of the day, it’s for me to decide what drives me high or what leaves me behind. Don’t get me wrong, I always appreciate your support (and thank you for it too) but at times when it’s a facade, I’d just rather not, and nor should you.

If you want me to restrain my words in seek of your reply, think again. Because if I mean to you what you say I do, then I shouldn’t have to be careful around you, not today, not anytime. I dance and I fall, do you get shy? I cry to resolve, but are you there by my side? I make up my mind and change it all the time; do you let your faith in me just fly? Think about it and then decide.

Don’t want to hear my garbage, turn a deaf ear. Don’t want to read my blog, shut the tab. Don’t want to see my pain, turn around and walk away...but in the end, my words, thoughts and emotions will prevail.

Peace Love and Truth always.

Dancing on my own

Do you always feel like you're flying solo...whether on the dance floor or behind bedroom doors. Do you feel alone even when sitting in a room full of the people you know, in a house with a family that loves you or an office filled with colleagues that loathe you.

In a crowded city, where every second person you bump into knows your name and how much you're earning, but even the closest of friends don't remember your birthday...you're dancing on your own, but it won't last long.

Do you  feel lost in your most comfortable surroundings or feel suffocated when not a single soul is around, even in the void, feel totally devoid of everything that encompasses your bounds.

Swing your body, set your feet free, move to the tunes and make the most of dancing on your own...

because one day you'll find someone to catch your fall and pick you up in their own arms, jive to your beats, like it was meant to be...

but until then, enjoy dancing on your own.

You may have been the center of attention for years untold, but now you are dancing on your own.
It may have come all of the sudden, caught you by surprise, but embrace this time, for the grass is always greener on the other side.

Think back to when you felt a part of the pack, even then something, somewhere made you feel no one's there to have your back...you may be alone, but it's not a permanent zone, it's just a temporary release, for you to realize there is more to this life, and you won't stay long, dancing to just one song.

So even if it must mean, to dance on you own....save the last swing, for you and your soul. Remember that everyone comes into the world alone and departs on a heavy tone, you don't need to go down the walk of shame, sometimes the loneliest spots offer the greatest escapes.

Boredom's Kitchen

I was bored out of my mind yesterday, so decided to cook for my family. I made a tasty (or so they say) batch of burritos and crispy tacos. It’s really not a task, and actually very easy. But it passed my evening by and my family had a nice meal that was appreciated to the very last bite.

One thing I’ve always noticed, when you cook for others, somewhere your own hunger dies. But I think that’s because you see others enjoying the meal you created, and that’s what maxes out your appetite.

Today, the cooking urge did not budge. All day I’ve been thinking of new recipes I want to try. (That’s also because my plate of work is completely empty for the time). Of course the boring roti sabzi dal interests me not, but tell me to cook you a risotto and I’ll be all for it in a shot. I want to try my hand at fondue, I probably will very soon. One thing I want to scratch off my to-try-to-cook list is the ratatouille crepe...I saw my aunt make it in London, and it really seems like a piece of cake. But again, I can’t say before I give my own a taste.

What about gnocchi, or maybe frosty cupcakes, try some zesty pesto sauce or that avocado dip that I’ve never been able to quite grip, and don’t get me started on sour crème, that still seems like a dream yet to become real. All I know is that the world’s a big tray of tasty things to prepare, and thanks to the Nature’s Baskets and Foodhalls of the city, cooking’s now a pleasure rather than a mundane ordeal.

 Being vegetarian may seem like a barrier to some, but for me, I’m happy in my kitchen cooking veggies in different concoctions. Inspired by others, or inspiring others...I take both routes. From all the chefs I’ve interviewed to people I talk to about food. I may not be the best (or be a crazy foodie either), but when something catches my mind, I stick to the grind. And as easily as I stick, I unglue myself too...but who doesn’t, I’m sure you do too. So this may just be a phase, or one that will keep me dazed, but as for yesterday... it did take my boredom away.

I’ve been here before as well, when I got over excited and joined cooking classes in South Bombay. Now to some that may sound gay, but it was a fun way to pass those days I had to spare. I learned how to make an assortment of bread spreads, and what eventually came to be was a house party with my meal on demand (or so it seemed).

So when you’re bored and you don’t know what to do...cook something for someone special to you. Even if it turns out awful, you know you tried and just in case, keep a good restaurant on speed dial!

It's never too late

That’s what everyone says. That’s what I think (at least today), but sometimes how one feels and how one thinks often lands up being a great contradiction.

PROCRASTINATION is the mother of all forces, it’s the thief of time, something we all drown ourselves in and sometimes can’t be revived. But remember, it’s never too late.

We put off so many things. Knowing the worst thing you could do is to wait for another tomorrow. Whether it’s to pay the bills or to tell the boy you love that you love him. From something as small as cleaning your room to the colossal task of completing your dissertation, all of us do it...but remember, it’s never too late.

That’s what I said to myself when it came to starting this blog. Sure I’m a writer and I should have started this blog or been a super duper tweeter since the perception of these social media’s, but either work dogged me down, or my inhibitions did. Either faith had died or expectations were too high. And then I realised, it’s never too late.

It is the story of our lives. Even the most proactive people procrastinate about something or the other at some point of time.  It may be a self-sabotaging mechanism to delay success or your own self created enemy that makes your life a mess. You may think, now what’s the point of starting, the time has passed and the opportunity is gone...but you’re wrong...because it’s never too late.

I don’t think it’s an evil like many may portray, I think it’s a real thing that happens to us every day. I’m not encouraging procrastinators to continue procrastinating, I’m simply saying; don’t give up on anything, even if you’ve procrastinated to the death of its being, because really, it’s never too late. Even when it is too late, it’s not...and whether you see that as the mother of all contradictions, I think otherwise, and for me...nothing is ever too late to start (at least today). Because at the end of the day, it’s better late than never...and so, I say once again, no matter what, who, where, when and why... it’s never too late.