walking on eggshells

A lot of things scare me. Insects. Birds. Fire. Closed spaces. But what scares me the most is Silence. A silence that is so deafening that I wish I were deaf. Everything about it scares me. How it starts. How it will end. If it will end or not. What if it comes back. What I do to cause it. What can I do to end it. I am always scared. And walking on eggshells. 

Should I or shouldn't I... I ask myself that every single time before I utter a word. Before I break the silence. I am so scared I'll make a mistake or create a longer wave whispering solitude. Where all I can hear are my thoughts, the thoughts of that inaudible voice. And the sound of eggshells breaking. 

On those many sleepless nights, I wait for my eluding sleep to arrive. So I can dream. And in my dreams free myself of the fears, and hear the conversation instead, loud and clear. Turn the volume up. And smile to the warmth of a friendly noise. The cacophony I desire. The clamour that I miss. And even if the dream turns into a nightmare, it would be one I would love to have over and over. At least it wouldn't be quiet anymore. And there would be no eggshells to bother over either. 

But when I am awake: The music that sings is mute. The tv that plays is hushed. The phone that rings is buzz-less. The room that's still is soundless. The me that talks is voiceless. All that's left are eggshells. 

Nothing gives me greater joy than when the silence is filled... and those dreaded eggshells are killed. 

All I need. All I want. All I dream

It must be epic. 

It must be the stuff made for movie screens. 

It must be everything. Heart-wrenching sadness, obliterating happiness. 

It must be complete. Completely immersing, completely captivating. 

It must be unique – never to be repeated again, ever. It must be the once-in-a-lifetime kind. One that you don’t mind crying a million tears for. One that you don’t mind fighting a hundred armies for. One that you don’t mind dying over and over again for. 

Even if it’s just for one moment – I would trade a million un-moments for just that one. 

Where the sky collides with the sea. Where the mountains run into the wild. Where the world spins at a blinding speed. Where your heart feels deep. It’s a dream.

Take everything else. Just for this one thing. Take my soul, take my mind, take my speech, take my body. 

Give me in return, this one legendary thing - only a few in the world are blessed with. Give it to me. I beg, I plead.  

This is All I Need. All I Want. All I Dream. xx 

Say what??????????????????????????????????

So it seems. I am very popular.

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Hahaha, I swear.

"Dude, what's up with her statuses man... do you think she is depressed babe?" (by the way: I love the way we use these words: dude, babe, man - I hate the word 'babe' the most)

"No dude, she's just an emotional person babe"  (HAHAHAHA)

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Hahaha - who isn't I ask? Depressed that is. Everyone is a little depressed . Even the happiest person on the planet. Even Santa Clause. Especially Santa Clause. Imagine if you had his job dude/man/babe!

In fact, (according to me of course) a person who illustrates their emotions on/in a public space (off the top of a rooftop or, ahem, in a blog), may perhaps be the most emotionally stable person in the barn of emotional dodos (when I say dodo, I mean that in an affectionate way - so please don't get emotional).

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Does that mean that she's asking for attention? No. Not necessarily. Maybe. But not definitely. If nothing in life was date stamped, it would be very hard to figure out what her statuses mean - what brought that on??? - Oh ya, she went out tonight - must just be drunk. How convenient!

BUT she could just be creatively expressing - crexpressing if we may. Drunk or sober, how does it matter (but if it does, to all my readers, I am 100% sober right now, except for the one swing of cough syrup I just took - for my cough).

If we painted our emotions on a canvas - people would call it art, no matter how dark it may look - black is not black in the world of art - it could mean anything - even love, dark love? No, even just love love. But some don't understand poetic words, or even just words words, so this post is different  - but, apologies if some wordplay occurs, and you get confused.

P.S This is not an attack on anyone - just random observations, reflections, inspirations, bla bla's accumulated to create a late night, RANDOM post. That may not even make any sense, to any one. Or all the sense in the whole god damn world, to just someone. You judge. Or does that go without saying?

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But then again, is all of this socially acceptable. Most may say no. Why is she sharing with the world her inner most feelings (damn, who did she break up with now - ha, such a cliche to think it's always about a guy). It could be about a guy. But guess what - it could also NOT be about a guy.

But has anyone ever thought for a moment (hahaha, yeah, no) that she may just be writing for the heck of it. For the beauty of it. For the few "likes" on Facebook. Because she's bored. For a million and ten reasons you haven't even thought of thinking about. No, but those who judge recklessly, gossip endlessly and assume tirelessly rarely ever stop to think for a moment, or for that matter, think at all.

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I say, who cares? If we operated basis supreme air-tight social acceptability, we would all just be puppets in the parade of puppets and puppeteers. But we pride ourselves on being our own persons, with our own unique personalities - ahem, with our right to freedom of speech?? If someone likes us, great. If they don't, even greater.

So where does one draw the line. If I say I want to live a new life - will people think I'm going to give this one away (suicide)? If I say I will never love again - will people think I will never (love actually) again?

Hahaha, it cracks me up. How words are taken so literally when they're not meant to be, and not taken even close to literally when they are. - It's ironic. And funny.

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Yup. I said it. And I posted it. Now dissect it people! Enjoy :)  

A lyrical state of mind...

A few short excerpts from my lyrical state of mind. P.S Nothing I write here is in context to anyone or anything - even myself. They are just words jumbled together - to make sense and no sense. Like it or not, here it goes...


1. Take me away, I need some change. Another place, another space. Where people don't know me, and the stories are new. Where I am more exciting, and dreams come true. I want to be gone here, and travel into something new. Where things are a mystery, and the future is unglued. 

2. Tired of feeling this way. Tired of being. Tired of doing. Tired of sinking into a sea full of nothing. Tired of the night. Tired of the day. Tired of the same song that plays on and on in my head. Tired of thinking. Tired of dreaming. Tired of believing everything will be okay...

3. Making distance short, when it's too long. Making moments last, when they're already gone. Making love strong, when there's no heart around. Making life bright, when the dark night is alive. Making shadows wander, and bodies stay. Making dreams come true, in another place. When time escapes you and people leave - what you want to believe is always the opposite of what really is

4. Tirelessly waiting, for that one response. Will it come today, or then, never again. Is it still here, or has it gone to another realm. Will I hear it, or will the silence prevail. I wait, and I wait. But the words I cannot hear. It's dark and lonely, waiting for nothing in return.

5. One day. One hundred hopes. One second. All lost in smoke. One moment. And it's withered away. One mistake. You can never take back again. One story. That will never be told. One love. That may never grow old. One life. That's all you have to hold - the good, the bad, the great, and the sad.      

There's no such thing.

 

People who know me may not believe I am writing this. But the truth of the matter is, a certain realisation has dawned upon me, something that was perhaps, long overdue, but it's never too late*. I have realised what I never thought I would. And that is: there’s no such thing called love.

It actually is not a thing. Perhaps, it is a feeling. But, if so, it’s a feeling that we think is love, but what it actually is, is the feeling of happiness, happiness and happiness. That’s what this thing people call love actually is. All you need is a portion of happiness... and you’re good to go.

All these years, for as long as I know, I’ve wanted to fall in love. But actually, all I should have ever wanted was to... fall in happiness. That’s what I want. Not love. But happiness. This love thingamajig is just a figment of one’s imagination. Why try so hard to find something that doesn’t exist. What does exist is happiness. You don’t need to love someone. You need to be happy with someone. Happy people should get married. Not people who are in love... people who are in happiness.

So, let happiness IN. Shut this quest for love OUT. Be with who keeps you happy. Do what makes you happy. Listen to happy things. Have happy thoughts. Feel happy. F*%k love.

Happiness is your way forward. Chasing after love will just lead you nowhere. Why? Because there’s no such thing. And thus Valentine's Day, is not a day for 'love-birds', it's a day for people who are happy in life, happy with each other, just plain happy - even just happy with yourself, you don't need anybody else, you can even celebrate this day with your own happy self. Having said that, it still is just another day on the Calendar, a day, that yes, you can be happy... but why restrict it to ONE DAY ONLY. The beauty of happiness is, you can be it 365 days a year.... so celebrate happiness, everyday, not Valentine’s Day, a day that comes only once a year.    

Thus, there’s no such thing as love. But there is such a thing as happiness. Find it. Keep it. Be it. Love it (ha!)

 - so, Happy HAPPINESS Day. Spread the word...

 

When nothing's enough...

What do you do when nothing's enough, when the road gets rough and love gets tough. What do you do when people leave, decide to dream what are not your dreams. And move on in life to bigger and better things. What do you do when life decieves you, making you think that things you wish for hard enough do really come true. But in time you see that having hope and faith is just another way to escape what is your reality.

What do you do when a relationship fails, and there's nothing you can do to make it prevail. With the fights, the tears and the betrayals, sometimes its just better to let go of eachother. But then, what about the love, that's strong and gone on for so long... it's got to have some meaning, a deep intense feeling that can outlive any kind of beating. Sometimes love is lost, but it can be found again, and can be forever yours even when it seems like never again.

What do you do when your closest friend shuts you out, when they tell you that you no longer count. Do you shout or cry, fight or drive by and try to make kind. If only it were that simple, to work things out, and make amends to what went down sour. If you could bring back the moments and relive the memories of the times gone by, that would be a dream, one that I never seem to see or believe.

What do you do when everything's too much, when unlimited love suffocates your lungs. What do you do when too many people follow your lead, and all you want is for them to leave. So you can reach greater things, without sharing a piece of the pie with the million and one leeches of your life. People will try with their sneaky little lies, but its up to you how you want to survive. 

Can you survive when there's too much of it all or will you fall when you lose it all? And then once again wish for it all to come back, trying your hardest, for it only to give you one fat slap back. When nothing's enough and everything's too much, embrace life, love and happiness for times to turn up.

My Lost World

Find me, touch me... I feel all alone. It's not a moment, or a passing phase, it feels forever long and cold. My smile has lost its charm, my heart its love... my feet their dance and my song its verse. My speech has lost its voice, my dreams their noise. My feelings have lost their hopes; my faith's no longer keeping me afloat.

I am living in a lost world where no one comes or goes. Even when I am surrounded by people, I feel like I've lost everyone that I ever considered close. I've lost my mind, I've lost my time, I've lost my need to be forever kind. My eyes no longer see, my heartbeats make no sound, my fingers no longer touch and I feel like my feet don't reach the ground.

My emotions have lost their feeling, my memory its meaning... my wine its flavour and my creativity its fervour. My writing has lost its words, my money its worth.... my imagination has run dry and my eyes do not cry. My stories have lost their endings, my truth its defending, my wings their flight and my tries their might.

It's a lost world; it's my lost world... where all that's lost and gone is seeking its return, but slowly.